guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
