I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
