there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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