you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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