Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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