have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
