the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
