i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
