Cold hands, warm shart.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
