puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
