I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
