My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
