If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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