so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
And my parents said I crawled through the house
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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