Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
third nipple confirmed
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
