Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I had to cum in my sink.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
