Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
