i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
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