she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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