i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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