i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
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