let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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