I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
