I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
