i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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