dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
