she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
