We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Drunk is not a location!
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
