She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Randomize
