On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
