ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
