I'm laying in your front yard are you home
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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