The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
He has the fingertips of a God
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