There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
