I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
