tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
