My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Randomize
