I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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