True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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