so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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