saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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