Someone shit on the floor
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
