She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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