How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
