Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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