My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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