Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
