I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
