billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
