i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
