i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
