Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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